By Diego Arati, Executive Assistant
Last updated: Race 9 of 2019.
André Gomes (Former Main Driver, Car 05 (ERS, 2016-2018))
Say what you want about Gomes (and many motor racing fans do not hold back on that), the man had the survival skills of a rat in a garbage dump.
Gomes came with the team at its foundation in 2016, and wise heads in the industry declared loudly that team general manager Kirkus Octavius would have dumped him after the first race (where he redecorated the track wall with his chassis) had Kirkus been able to afford the contract break fee at the time.
Nobody expected Gomes to survive the first year with Quantistica, but he was saved by a combination of factors.
- First, his marketability (51%, fuelled primarily by a rampant egotism which for some reason appeals to sponsors) was adequate at the time and far better than his then-sidekick Faith Anthony.
- Second, his general adequacy as a driver. He’s no Schumacher, but he can generally keep the car pointed in the correct direction when he remembers that the direction is not “at the track wall”. He is particularly good at nursing his tyres, with a rated smoothness of 15/20.
- Third, the fact that very few drivers are even prepared to negotiate with a European Racing Series (ERS) team.
- Fourth, the fact that he’s not too expensive.
These four things bought him another year at the end of 2016. A glitch in the contract form meant that he ended up being signed on for two years instead of just one. Thus, through no merit of his own, he was still employed on the team in 2018.
Gomes has no scope for improvement, since he is not prepared to listen to any subject which does not involve either how good he looks, or his hair.
Gomes was ostensibly born in Brazil, but Kirkus holds the opinion that he may in fact hail from Mars.
Nonetheless, Kirkus and Max Boxer (Assistant General Manager) were secretly quite fond of Gomes in the same way that one can become fond of an exceptionally stupid but well meaning pet who keeps peeing on the carpet, and were sorry to see him go when he inevitably left the team at the end of 2018. He’s the perfect example of what happens when massively overpowered ego meets massively underpowered driving skill. While Max has been known to slam Gomes’ head into a door when he’s in need of an attitude readjustment (episode 201805, The Leadup), it’s always done with Gomes’ best interests at heart.
Gomes is a 2.5 / 5 star driver and nobody ever expected great things of him. When he won the Ardennes GP in 2018 (episode 201805, The Race) it would be fair to say that jaws dropped the world over.
Toward the end of his last season with Quantistica, Gomes decided to go out and share his driving knowledge with a group of kids at a go kart track. It’s unclear whether the increase in their parents’ insurance premiums will cover the resulting damage when they start learning to drive. ( Motorsport Manager 2018 Race 09, Pt 0 The Time Change.)
Kirkus didn’t have the heart to sack him (well, there may have been other motivations too…), so instead he had Gomes take Gary Watson for a tour around the track in the 2018 car before it was scrapped. As a result of a completely unforeseeable accident, Gomes ended up in a coma and was unable to re-sign his contract. (Motorsport Manager 2018/19 Interseason Staff Changes.)
In 2019 He was replaced by the relatively boring but very randy Max Porter, who could be relied upon to hit a high position in a way that Gomes couldn’t. Unfortunately he could also be relied upon to hit lingerie models in a way that Gomes didn’t, since at least Gomes found all the romance he needed in a good mirror.
What lies in the future for Gomes? Well, he’s still unemployed as of late 2019. But then, we did get a glimpse into his likely distant future in race 2018 05, The Leadup.
Max Porter (Main Driver, Car 05 (ERS, 2019 to date))
At the end of 2018 Kirkus analysed the driver stats in APS, and came up with some very clear guidelines for replacing Gomes, if such a replacement was going to happen in 2019.
The new person had to be a better driver than Gomes, which means over 3 stars so that they would be at least somewhat competitive in APS.
And second, surprise, surprise… they had to have a marketability of over 70%.
Only one driver met those criteria; Max Porter.
Who?
Think of a slightly blander and less talented Sebastian Vettel. Clean cut, pleasant, wholesome, perhaps a little on the beige side. Although Porter is slightly less inclined to, um, “racing incidents” than Vettel is, possibly because he doesn’t drive as fast.
Still, despite or perhaps because of being less obnoxiously self-absorbed than Gomes, he had a higher marketability. And because he was more talented then Gomes, he was able to make regular appearances on the podium.
His name was of course a problem since we already had one Max on the team, so it was decided that we would call him “Little Max”, in the spirit of “Little Joe” from Bonanza with the key difference being that at least in this series everyone knows who Big Max is.
Unfortunately Little Max harboured a dark secret…
Jiro Kegawa, a journalist with Motor Racing Magazine, was having a quiet drink after work at a nearly deserted bar. It was then that he spotted a fashion model that he knew by sight. He thought it odd when she started to climb up onto the bar. More odd when she started to climb onto the chandelier above the bar. Distinctly strange when she tossed her undergarments down.
And he thought it a brilliant opportunity to score an industry scoop when Max Porter, the new driver for Scuderia Quantistica, climbed up there in amorous pursuit of her.
The exposure of Little Max’s, umm, indiscretion caused him to be sufficiently distracted for the following 5 months or so that he dropped from being a 3.5 star driver to being about equal with Sara, despite being paid substantially more.
He of course tried to explain the situation to Kirkus.
“Boss, you have to understand… I’m a sex addict.”
“This will be good”, (Big) Max thought as he rested his mouth on his desk.
“You’re a what?”, Kirkus asked with eyes narrowed.
“A sex addict. I have a condition. It’s not my fault.”
“So… rather than accepting responsibility for making a conscious choice to bounce around on a chandelier in a public place with a lingerie model who is not in fact the woman that you married, you’re blaming… an addiction?”
“Ummmmm…. yes?”, Little Max replied uncertainly.
Two weeks later we had a carpenter in to finally repair Kirkus’ office door. This one is steel reinforced with double strength hinges.
Thankfully the effects of Little Max’s indiscretion did not stop him from retaining the championship lead that he had gained earlier in the 2019 season, notwithstanding that he seemed to be outdriven by Sara in many of the races in the middle of it. The effects had worn off by race 9 in Milano, and the entire team is waiting to see whether he has his mojo back.
The only problem that we currently face is that he has now turned his amorous eyes to his team-mate Sara Thomas, who in turn has hers on a beefcake male model whose vocabulary maxes out at two syllables if you discount extended grunting during moments of intimacy.
Big Max is therefore looking at the cost of having fire hoses which spray iced water fitted to all of the pit lanes and to the drivers’ offices.
Faith Anthony (Former Main Driver, Car 08 (ERS 2016 Season))
Faith should have been every marketer’s dream; a little old lady (she was 34 at the time, positively ancient by Global Motorsport Association (GMA) standards) who was still managing to eke out a living on the race track.
She was popular too; everyone was in agreement that Faith is a genuinely “nice girl”. She would always make sure that she brought an array of cookies and doughnuts to team meetings, which doubtless contributed to her having a fitness value of only 4/20.
On the track she could overtake decently well and was quite consistent, though when it came to cornering she was more inclined to steer the car like a brick.
Late in the 2016 season she suffered an existential crisis of the soul and turned to Kirkus for advice. (Which shows how desperate she must have been, because around this team it’s wise not to show weakness.) Whatever Kirkus said to her must have had an impact since she picked up a trait of “Racer”, boosting all of her stats by 2 while she’s actually in a race, and elevating her driver rating from 2.21 stars to 2.66 in a race.
It should have been a great story. Some wristwatch manufacturer or other should, if there was any justice in the world, have wanted her to do some ads for them while dressed in her fiery red racing suit.
They didn’t. Faith’s marketing appeal remained stubbornly at 16%, barely enough to attract interest from Unhealthy Fats R Us (marketing motto; “There’s a Trough Near YOU!“) to do a “Mega Whopper Pig Burger” commercial.
Kirkus knew that he needed money, and knew that he needed sponsorship.
He therefore knew that Faith had to go.
Still, she wasn’t done yet. After a year of unemployment purgatory collecting dole cheques at CentreLink, at the start of 2018 she was hired by the Octane Old Persons’ Benevolent Racing Team, paired with the equally ancient Luigi Marchetta.
Kirkus tried to ensure that he kept some distance between Faith and Sara during the 2018 races but it made no difference; the 2018 Octane car was so slow, and the drivers had to pit for blood pressure pills so often, that Faith would have needed a telescope to see Sara much less whack into her.
There was, however, a small amount of friction post-season when Kirkus poached Faith’s mechanic Mauricio Kurtz. (Motorsport Manager 2018/19 Interseason Staff Changes.) Faith started spreading scurrilous rumours about Quantistica being run like a Mafia gang, rumours that suddenly and mysteriously ceased after she had a nocturnal visit from Max Boxer.
These days when she hears the word “Quantistica” her eyes simply widen, her lips purse together tightly, and she turns several shades paler than her normal colour. Nobody is quite sure why or, if they do, they aren’t telling.
Sara Thomas (Main Driver, Car 08 (2017 to date))
Kirkus and Max sat at a table in the Staff Centre, having their lunch (rigatoni amatriciana for Kirkus, bistecca alla Fiorentina for Max) and scrolling through the latest news feeds relating to the ERS. Max made a slightly bemused growling sound as he was browsing through the XBC Sports page.
Kirkus looked up quizzically. Max pushed his tablet across to Kirkus and pointed to an article by Simon Higgins with his paw.
“Scuderia Quantistica’s Sara Thomas Offered A Modelling Contract”, it read.
Kirkus’ eyes widened as he read a quote from Donatella Mamma (no, seriously); “I had to have her; this brutal, stunning edifice of a woman must come home to Mamma!” (Episode 201801, The Leadup.)
Kirkus and Max locked eyes for a brief moment, and turned their heads in unison to look at the table across the aisle where Sara was sitting having Irish Stew and a glass of Guinness for lunch, and in no way being a cultural stereotype. (Though it helps explain why she has a fitness level of only 5 out of 20.) Their heads tilted sideways slightly as they took in all 5’6″ (165cm) and 64kg (141lbs) of her.
Brutal, stunning edifice?
Sara looked up and noticed Kirkus and Max staring at her. In her light Irish lilt she asked “Is dere sometin’ tat I can be doin’ for you, boss?”
“No, no, we were just reading about your new part time job. I guess that’s why you wore a negligee to work today?”
“Oh, t’be sure, t’be sure”, she replied, infuriating Irish folk the world over who are now muttering about cultural clichés. “But you’d not believe how hard it is t’get one of dese tings in Nomex!”
“Carry on”, Kirkus replied with a nod, and went back to reading the press articles.
————
Sara joined Quantistica after the end of the 2016 season, replacing Faith Anthony.
Although Kirkus had it planned out perfectly so that the exit door for Faith should have opened exactly when the entry door for Sara opened, he was screwed over by the fact that contracts do not in fact expire until 31 December of the contract year. As a result, he had to sack Faith to bring Sara in, a fact that still resonates in our relationship with Octane, Faith’s new home.
At the outset Kirkus didn’t want her. He had worked with her twice in previous lives and in both cases she was a shrieking, strutting prima donna. However this time around she was an even tempered driver, and not a bad one at that. At the time that she was hired she did not have the same level of total talent as Gomes, though her cornering and overtaking skills were always superior to Gomes’. However she had an ability to learn, whereas Gomes did not. By the end of 2017 she had become the better driver, and was being given the best parts.
Sara had achieved two podium positions in 2017 and had achieved the same number by half way through 2018. The racing world was stunned when Gomes not only finished in front of her, but actually won the Ardennes GP in 2018 since he had lower skills, a lesser car, and a car that was quite unsuited to the track.
Sara had been expected to provide the team’s first victory, but although she didn’t great things were still expected of her in the run downhill to the end of 2018.
She delivered in spades, becoming world champion at the end of 2018 and giving Quantistica the double of both the drivers’ championship and the team championship.
2019 has proven to be more of a challenge and at the time of writing she sits some way behind Max Porter, but comfortably in second place.
The year has had challenges off the track as well, with GMA Uber Boss Ernie Heckelrock convincing Kirkus to let him use Sara as “The Face Of The GMA”, and with her being further distracted by having a romantic entanglement with a Hunk’O’Beef male model whose IQ is slightly lower than his biceps size. Either of them. Individually. We’re hoping that this news does not leak to the media the way Max Porter’s, um, indiscretions did.
Enano Ferreira (Former Reserve Driver, ERS 2016)
The year was 2015. Ed Sheeran, Maroon 5, Taylor Swift and a whole bunch of people I’ve never heard of were on the top of the music charts.
A young man who started out life in a small fishing village in Indonesia, a man with big dreams and stars in his eyes, stepped off the plane in London that year.
After working an odd assortment of jobs, he made his way to Guildford in the United Kingdom where he ran a meat pie stand outside the racing circuit there.
Sometimes life turns on the smallest random chance. He was serving one of his customers during the 2015 WMC round, a red headed toff, who he struck up a conversation with.
“Bally good pie, wot?”, the red headed toff said.
“Yes, indeed I make wonderful pies”, Enano sighed. “But I would happily trade it all to be out there”, he gestured at the track.
“Hmm. Well you know, I’m a director of Stonewell Bank. My mother’s third cousin had a passionate tryst with the chairman on a Greek island in 1978, and she kept the photos. But that’s all water under the bridge, wot? Anyway, the bank is backing a new motor racing team; run by some Italian fella and his dog, apparently. Not sure how it works. I’m sure they won’t mind if I hire you to be one of their drivers!”
Enano’s hand shot to his mouth. His dreams! He could realise his dreams!
“Oh Sir Thomas, that would be wonderful!”
“Beeeeh, think nothing of it, young fellow. Now, may I try one of your lamb pies, please?”
The problem, of course, was that Enano just wasn’t any good. The only thing that he was even vaguely good at was feedback, which was 9 compared to then-main driver Faith Anthony’s 8, and had Kirkus fully appreciated the value of feedback in 2016 he may well have used Enano in practice sessions. Still, 1 point is not a huge gap and there would have been little likelihood of getting better performance bonuses than we got anyway.
The last time I spoke to Enano was when Kirkus sent me down to the Design Centre to deliver something to Freddie. I was passing through the factory when I heard Faith say to Enano:
“I need your help testing the reverse gear in my car. Can you please just stand in front of it and let me know if I go backwards in a straight line?”
“Sure”, Enano replied. “I’m always happy to help out. Have I told you that this is my dream job?”
“Many times”, Faith replied.
I made my way across to the Design Centre where Freddie greeted me. “Good morning Diego. What’s happening?”, he asked.
I told him about the tests that Faith was running, but he just looked puzzled. “We don’t have a telemetry centre yet”, he said, “so I’m just building basic gearboxes. 10 forward gears, no reverse.”
Just then we heard the screaming of tyres and a giant “WHOOOOMMMP!” from the factory.
“Oh Dio”, I muttered under my breath as Freddie and I ran for the door.
After that time Kirkus did start to notice that Enano seemed unusually unresponsive but… excuse me a moment. Yes Max, did you need to see me? OOOOOOOFFFFF
It was at the end of the season that Enano decided to retire from motor racing to move to Patagonia to raise llamas. He has two of them, named Fred and Myrtle, and they live on a small farm which is 4 hours by phone from the nearest settlement, or would be except that they don’t have a phone so don’t bother trying to contact him.
He finds the solitude peaceful and is enjoying his time away from the noise and the exhaust fumes of the European Racing Series, and seeks neither contact nor companionship with the outside world.
Wow, that was weird. I was typing up Enano’s bio when Max came in, I felt a blow to the head, and when I woke up the bio had already been written.
Waldemar Bica Bernardo (Former Reserve Driver, 2017 to 2018, ERS)
At the end of 2016 Kirkus decided not to hire a new reserve driver to replace what’s-his-name, who had been costing us over 50 grand per race and not delivering any benefits. He decided to hold out for a pay driver who has decent practice skills… which he didn’t find until a fortuitous meeting almost two years later, as we shall see.
The fact that it took so long, and the fact that he still can’t find staff who are at the standard that he wants, causes him to narrow his eyes slightly whenever he passes Chief Scout Silvia in the corridor.
For the whole of the 2017 season and most of the 2018 seasons we therefore had a contract driver; Waldemar Bica Bernardo. Most people can’t be bothered getting their mouth around that whole name so he was usually referred to as either “Who’s that guy?”, “What, does he still work here?” or most commonly “Waldo”.
The only time that Waldo came to our attention was around his birthday. Every year I went to Kirkus and told him that Waldo is sensitive about his birthday and wanted a 100 grand party to keep his morale up.
Every year Kirkus threw something at my head (but I know that he intentionally misses) and Waldo got a card and a 10% reduction in his morale.
The chances of Waldo being signed on as a “real” driver were pretty much zero. He was more likely to join his predecessor Enano Ferreira who… let me consult my notes because I seem to have a mild case of amnesia after a recent blow to the head… ah, here it is, his predecessor who went to farm Llamas in Patagonia. It’s funny, I don’t remember typing that but it was on my screen when I regained consciousness so it must be right.
Waldo departed the scene just before the final race of 2018. (Motorsport Manager 2018 Race 10 Pt 1, The Leadup.) Kirkus gave an appropriately emotional and moving farewell speech as he left.
He is likely to be a fond memory for the three people in the team who will actually remember him.
Bjorn Bjelland (Reserve Driver, 2018 Race 10 to date, ERS)
There was still one race to go in 2018. Max had just ordered a plate of Swedish meatballs at the Ikea cafeteria and was walking over to the table where Kirkus and Rachel were waiting for him.
“Why do I keep buying these things?”, Max growled to himself. “Meatballs; it always sounds good, but the ones I get here taste like they’re made from cardboard from one of their flat packs.”
“Psst! Psst!”, Max heard from behind a pile of cushions. “You’re Max Boxer, aren’t you? I saw you being interviewed on Peter Windsor’s motor racing channel.”
“Yeah, that’s an easy gig. Peter famously and rarely lets his interviewees get a word in anyway so I mostly just sat there nodding in agreement with him. Nobody who saw the episode even realised that I can actually talk and wondered why he was interviewing a dog.”
“My name’s Bjorn”, the voice behind the cushions continued, “But I’m not really Swedish. I’m Norwegian. They think I’m Swedish because of my name, but I’m not.”
“OK. Why are you telling me this?”, Max asked. “My meatballs are getting cold.” Not that they would taste any worse, Max thought to himself.
“I’m a racing driver. I worked for the Nicholson Racing GT team from 2014 to 2015, then switched over to Team Nordhagen for 2016. But then they sacked me. I went down to the unemployment office and they took one look at my name and sent me here, even though I’m not actually Swedish!“
“Again, why are you telling me this?” Maybe the almond cake will make up for the meatballs, Max pondered. The coffee here is beyond redemption, though. Not that boxers are supposed to drink coffee, but then they aren’t supposed to be assistant general managers either.
“I have to get out! I need to race! I need to drive! I swear, if I have to shift one more box of Cambodian-made polyester throw rugs from the receiving dock to the shelves I’ll explode!”
“I can’t really help you.”
“I can pay you! My family owns the biggest salted cod factory in Norway! Get me out of here and I’ll pay you every time I drive!”
Max wagged his tail a couple of times. “I know a guy who might be interested”, he replied. “Wait behind the genuine bamboo curtains from Vietnam and we’ll come and see you.”
And thus, in episode 2018 Race 10 Pt 1, The Leadup, Bjorn Bjelland was hired to be a reserve driver.
No, he has no appreciable skills to speak of. Even his feedback is utterly awful. However the colour of his money makes us overlook such minor imperfections.